The Joy Of Body Hair

2002-10-26T07:24:00.000Z

I've been a bit lazy where this blog is concerned, but it's my blog so I can do as I like really can't I?

The nice man in London is getter nicer by the day. We've been exchanging e-mails on a pretty regular basis and I think I'm starting to like the guy - a lot. Is that possible? I've never even met him. I know I like what he says to me, we discuss things that interest bost of us, we flirt in a humourous and gentle kind of way that I really like, he says all the right things, he seems to be practically perfect, apart from the distance between us. I know I fancy him like mad and I'd love to get my hands on him. And now I'm suddenly terrified. My old demon of insecurity returns and whispers "What if he doesn't like you as much as you like him when he sees you for real?" OK, he knows what I look like, I've told him I'm trying (not very successfully) to lose weight, and he doesn't seem to mind - so what's the problem? The problem is me, my insecurity, my lack of self-esteem, my history of being let down by men I like a lot.
Ah, but at least I have self awareness...

OK. Early New Year's Resolution - don't fuck this up. Go with the flow, see what happens. If he says he likes you, maybe he really does. I suppose I just need to enjoy it and stop thinking about it so much...

2002-10-08T20:45:00.000Z

Thanks to the help of bj I have been able to publish my last posts. I really appreciate his help as it was out of the blue and showed someone was actually reading this nonsense and was interested enough to wonder why it had disappeared. So, thanks again bj.

Anyway. I have the dubious pleasure of announcing I am now 40. I had a great birthday with my good friends who made it both special and bearable, they've had to listen to my anxiety about my 40 status for long enough. I shall now put them out of their misery and try to be positive about this - after all, life is supposed to start now. About bloody time if you ask me.

Have been corresponding with a nice (and pleasantly hairy) man in London. We seem to have a lot of the same interests, but I think he's a bit more reserved than I am. I'm sure he's led a much more virtuous life. Very cute though. A face I could happily wake up with, maybe even on a regular basis. Scary or what? It's just an e-mail friendship at the moment, and I can't deny distance is a factor (do long distance relationships work? Sounds like an essay title. "Critically discuss...."), but he's nice, normal, apparently sane, hairy, cute, and that's quite a lot really.

I have also started an evening college course (2 nights per week), ultimately leading to a degree in counselling. I can achieve Diploma status in two years but continue for another two and get a degree. I 'm excited and fascinated by the course, it's a hell of a lot of work (and expense) but the possibilities are vast. The course requires that I enter therapy myself which might be enlightening and I confess to liking the idea, it's real 'me-time' and I don't get that very often.

I hope this publishes ok...fingers crossed...

2002-09-22T18:58:00.000Z

Well Blogger seems reluctant to post my last entry. It's totally ridiculous and I'm sick of it now. Time for a new home for TJOBH?

2002-09-21T17:52:00.000Z

Went to see Liz's 20 year old son do a bungee jump this afternoon. He did well, no hesitation, just jumped, and raised some money for local kids. Well done. I know I could not have done that, I'm a wimp when it comes to leaping into thin air. Even go a bit wobbly when I'm up a ladder...

The diet is going ok (mostly). Have lost a couple of llbs, but I slipped up a bit today and had a couple of beers with Liz while waiting for her son to jump off a platform attached to a piece of elastic. Have been eating fruit and vegatables which has been ok. I don't mind that but I hate the way I keep thinking about it all the time, it's just what I didn't want to happen.

*Blog not posting again.....six times I've tried now...will try again later if this doesn't post*

2002-09-17T12:20:00.000Z

I've got to do it. I don't want to, but I've got to. I've got to lose some weight. I feel awful: tired, uncomfortable, self-conscious. The last straw was when I bought some clothes last weekend and had to take them back because they didn't fit. I'd got the size I thought I was, but nothing I bought fitted. And then we went for an Indian meal for God's sake!

OK, this is it. I'm going to do this. For me. But I don't want it to be obsessive, or boring, or have too much impact on my social life. Is that possible?

2002-09-15T13:51:00.000Z

Went out with friends last night (Liz, Phil & Diane). Drinks in 'Pave' followed by an Indian meal, we'd already tried getting into the Mediterranean, Italian, Turkish and Greek restaurants (whose idea was it not to book a table on a Saturday night? Coulda been mine...) Turned out OK though :o)

Enrolled at College for the Foundation Degree In Counselling today - course starts on the 23rd. Really looking forward to it. Part of the course is to undergo therapy myself which I'm kind of looking forward to, I wonder what it will reveal?

Listening to:
'Round Round' by Sugarbabes (just got into my head...)
'Just A Little' by Liberty X

In a poppy mood today...

2002-09-11T19:19:00.000Z

What to say about 9/11 ?

I live in England and I remember watching the twin towers of the WTC under attack on TV. I couldn't believe it, it didn't seem real, it was too sickening. I have harboured a strong desire to visit New York for many years and to see this was like seeing a friend assaulted in the most terrible way. I know I'm a long way from New York but I was moved by what I saw, I was shocked, horrified, disgusted, outraged.

I still feel that way.

I recently watched one of the many TV programmes about that day a year ago and I realised I felt the same way now as I did then. I watched footage of people jumping from the towers, knowing they would die, probably still alive as they fell. I cried and couldn't see anymore.

To any Americans who might read this: many Brits still stand by you, we might not directly share your grief but our thoughts and goodwill are with you. It's not much, but for myself it's all I can do.

And now there's talk of war and people wondering if we should do it. Look at those pictures of the WTC collapsing and you should know. We're not safe just because we live in England...next time it might be us.

2002-09-09T19:26:00.000Z

This approaching birthday is starting to freak me out a bit. I think of it often, and still can't believe I'm going to be forty. I thought by now my life would be all sorted out: great job, a man who I loved and who felt the same way about me, a house and kids (ok, maybe not that last bit, substitute cats for kids). Nothing could be further from my current life. How bad is that?

I need some things to change. Badly. I need to re-connect with being gay, a straight friend told me I was the straightest gay guy he'd ever known (no, I don't know how many he's known) - I have to wonder if that is a good thing or not...? Another (straight) female friend said someone should write a soap/sitcom about us and call it "3 Straights With A Bend In The Middle" - I wonder which one I am... :o)

It's rained a lot today and is noticeably cooler, Autumn is almost here. This doesn't help my mood. I hate being cold.

A maudlin twat tonight.

Listening to "Brand New Lover" by Dead Or Alive.....
"What I really need to do
Is find myself a brand new lover,
Somebody with eyes for me
Who doesn't notice all the others..."

(bit naff but i like it)

2002-09-08T15:03:00.000Z

* * I wonder if this will publish OK? * *

Had another frustrating Saturday night. Good company, I love my friends and we had a good time together but it drives me mad to see all these attractive, hairy armed, good looking, (apparently) straight men everywhere. I've gotten out of the habit of going to gay places, I've lost touch with the gay people I used to know but I know that I need to get out there and make some effort. Somehow I don't think the man I want will come knocking on my door. Unless he's delivering pizza...

Liz had a new man in tow last night, an old friend from when she was at College. He seemed nice enough, fairly quiet, attentive to Liz which was nice to see. He's visiting from Leeds. Liz tells me they're just friends. This morning when we all met for coffee she told me nothing had happened last night between them, I couldn't tell if she had wanted it to or not. I didn't have the chance to interrogate her fully. He seems to appreciate her more than Peter (who she seems to have been involved with forever and yet their relationship remains mysteriously undefined).

I wonder what the chances are of this being published first time...

2002-09-04T20:02:00.000Z

Finally got last night's blog entry published - tonight!!

2002-09-03T19:45:00.000Z

The highlight of the day - a good looking hairy bus driver. Physically great but it made me wonder...

What makes my ideal man? Apart from the obvious, he'll have a quick sense of humour, he'll surprise me (in a good way), I will be able to trust him, he'll fancy me like mad and accept me totally. He'll be comfortable with who and what he is, he can handle being gay, he won't be camp but we'll be able to enjoy others' campy humour, he won't be a poser and he won't worship designer labels. We'll agree on the really important things but he'll have his own opinions and won't expect me to agree with him all the time, he'll try to see my side of things as I'll try to see his.

Mmmm. Too good to be true perhaps.

*Blogger seems unwilling to post this -AGAIN-* Attempt number 15! THIS IS GETTING FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

2002-08-31T20:47:00.000Z

Have been wallowing in musical nostalgia today - played loads of stuff, mostly from the '80s. God, it still sounds good (to me anyway). I'd forgotten how much I liked some of those old songs, and they brought back so many memories - I find music to be my biggest memory jogger.

Listening to Morrissey - 'Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself'
Soft Cell 'Loving You, Hating Me'
Joy Division 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'
Kate Bush 'Running Up That Hill'
Japan 'Quiet Life'
The Smiths 'How Soon Is Now?'
All About Eve 'Marthas Harbour'
Psychedelic Furs 'Love My Way'
Siouxsie & The Banshees 'Spellbound'

Then more Morrissey - 'Jack The Ripper' (90's but what the hell...)
"Crash into my arms
I want you
You don't agree
But you don't refuse
I know you

I know a place
Where no-one is likely to pass
You don't care if it's late
And you don't care if you're lost..."

2002-08-31T08:37:00.000Z

There was supposed to be a link to the yankee blogger in that last post, but for some reason it never happened. I'll try again...if that fails just go to http://theyankeeblogger.blogspot.com/

It's all about the '100 Things About 100 Bloggers' Project.

2002-08-30T21:48:00.000Z

100 Things About Me

1. I knew I was gay when I was about 13.
2. I came out when I was 20.
3. I want to believe in a 'gay community'.
4. I'm attracted to hairy men.
5. I prefer dark men to blonde men.
6. I have brown eyes.
7. I have a goatee.
8. I hate having my photo taken.
9. I have a cat called Magic.
10. Magic understands every word I say to her.
11. Definitely a cat person.
12. Stroke me and I'll purr.
13. I prefer coffee to tea.
14. I'm Libran.
15. I'll be 40 on the 7th Octover 2002.
16. I like "The Sound Of Music".
17. I'm terrified of wasps.
18. I have an Internet addiction.
19. I'm rubbish at maths.
20. I like spicy food - especially Indian.
21. I have worked on a gay telephone help-line.
22. I think Jim Carey has made a little go a very long way.
23. There's definitely something attractive about a man in uniform.
24. I don't smoke cigarettes (but I used to).
25. I occasionally smoke a joint.
26. I liked "Philadelphia" (the movie).
27. I have worn a blindfold during sex.
28. No, I didn't like it.
29. I'm afraid of going blind.
30. I can't stand Mariah Carey or Celine Dion. Can just tolerate Whitney.
31. I desperately want to visit USA (but can't afford it).
32. I hate my alarm clock.
33. I like "Will & Grace".
34. I'm studying to become a Counsellor.
35. I have a brother and two sisters.
36. I'm an Uncle - I have two nieces.
37. I'm allergic to goats.
38. I don't like being cold.
39. I don't have any piercings.
40. I don't have any tattoos.
41. I like watching Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi - the tennis is ok too.
42. Most of my friends are women.
43. Most of my friends are straight.
44. I have not had mumps or chickenpox.
45. I have had measles.
46. My father died when I was three.
47. Have been told I'm "laid back".
48. I hope I'm around to see a cure/vaccine for AIDS.
49. I don't like condoms - but I do use them.
50. Red wine gives me a headache.
51. White wine gives me heartburn.
52. I mostly drink beer - Budweiser or Fosters.
53. I wear contact lenses or glassess.
54. I don't like sushi.
55. I had a major crush on my drama teacher at school.
56. My two favourite Hitchcock movies are "The Birds" and "North By Northwest".
57. I have very little ambition - but I dream.
58. I like the taste of garlic but hate the smell of garlic breath on others.
59. I hate to see people spitting.
60. I've only ever been in love once.
61. I've been infatuated many times.
62. I've never had sex with a woman.
63. I was 35 before I flew on a plane - I loved it.
64. I always put off till tomorrow what I should have done yesterday.
65. I like horror movies.
66. I don't like feet - I think they're very unattractive.
67. My favourite colour is blue.
68. I'm reading a lot of crime fiction at the moment - I love to read.
69. I always thought the childcatcher in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" was a really good idea.
70. I really need to get out more.
71. I need to lose some weight.
72. Or I need to accept myself and feel good about how I look.
73. I value honesty, monogomy and mutual respect.
74. I do want a long term relationship.
75. My friends say I'm "too choosy".
76. My family have always supported me.
77. I have lived in London, and loved it.
78. In many ways I regret leaving.
79. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I had stayed.
80. I have bought a pack of Tarot cards.
81. I am learning how to use them.
82. I don't like diet drinks.
83. I find it very hard to throw things away.
84. I'd like to develop my creative side - writing and painting in particular.
85. My favourite gay films are "Beautiful Thing" and "Longtime Companion".
86. I like whiskey and ginger with ice.
87. I like most kinds of music, except Rap.
88. I think sex should be fun.
89. I'm going grey.
90. I'd like to write a bestselling novel.
91. I'd love to travel the world - there's so much to see.
92. My favourite Motown songs are "(I'm A) Road Runner" by Jr Walker & The All Stars and "This Old Heart Of Mine
(Is Weak For You)" by The Isley Brothers.
93. I'd love to see The Statue Of Liberty up close.
94. I've never measured it. And I won't.
95. I wish I knew at 20 what I know now.
96. I've never had an operation.
97. I wish I didn't feel intimidated by the gym.
98. I'm good at keeping secrets - but I don't like them.
99. I hope good guys don't always finish last.
100. I can count to 100!

(Phew)
* Still having problems posting blog entries. Very frustrating.

2002-08-28T20:30:00.000Z

Saw cute barman guy again today - still very cute and friendly but so unavailable. Shame.

Have been trying to compile my list of '100 Things About Me' - have got to 93 and run out of steam. I'll enter them here when I've filled in the gaps. I will also include a link to the yankee blogger's blog. I've enjoyed doing it but it's been difficult too, made me look at myself which I don't normally do. This is something I'm going to have to get used to. In September I start a course at College leading to a foundation degree in Counselling.

2002-08-27T07:42:00.000Z

A morning blog. Had a weird dream about an ex partner last night. I dreamed that I saw Stephen on the Web, he'd posted a personal profile but this one had a voice message attached (it was a dream remember) and I vividly remember the sound of his voice, even now as I'm writing this I recall it clearly (though not what he said, unfortunately). Don't know why I'm dreaming of him now, I haven't seen or heard from him in many years and don't even know where he lives now. He was the only man I've ever really loved and when he started seeing someone else behind my back it was devastating. That was a long time ago though, and although I've been out with other men since it's never been the same. I wonder what the dream means, if anything?

2002-08-26T12:35:00.000Z

Went out with friends last night, went to a few bars which were ok but straight (as are my friends). My home city is sadly lacking in gay nightlife. Saw a few nice looking, potentially hairy men but I couldn't make a move in a straight bar, not worth the hassle. Phil and Diane were talking about going to San Francisco year after next (when we can all afford it) which sounds like a great idea to me. Liz and Peter might come along as well, although Peter is fairly unlikely. Such a long time away though...

Had a bit of a hangover this morning, just a headache, nothing too serious. Been very lazy today, drank lots of coffee and messed about on the Internet - my fascination with it continues.

2002-08-21T20:22:00.000Z

Been having some trouble signing in to Blogger.com - is this common?

Anyway. Another day at work - broken up by a very nice pub lunch, and an even nicer bar man who was just my type. He had short hair, stubble, a cute smile and was obviously hairy. Very nice. Sadly he was straight, which I found out after chatting to him - very disappointed when I heard him mention his girlfriend. Why do I find myself attracted to straight men all the time? And where are their gay equivalents?

I don't like camp, feminine men. Camp humour can be funny, in short doses, but I wouldn't want to live with it all the time.

2002-08-19T18:39:00.000Z

Hello Bloggers, this is my second attempt at creating a blog, the first was sabotaged by gremlins. Be gentle with me.

I'm a gay man living in the UK (Yorkshire area), single (have had long term relationships, but that was then...), nearly 40 and totally obsessed with hairy men. Love them, the look and the feel of them. No such thing as too much body hair. Smoothies just don't do it for me and never have, ever since I had a schoolboy crush on a very cute drama teacher at school.

So this is my blog: an appreciation of hairy men, some verbal ramblings on people and events that catch my eye and a bit of a journal. Not exactly sure what it will be to tell the truth. I've promised my friends to change their names for this blog which seems only fair.