I've been a bit lazy where this blog is concerned, but it's my blog so I can do as I like really can't I?

The nice man in London is getter nicer by the day. We've been exchanging e-mails on a pretty regular basis and I think I'm starting to like the guy - a lot. Is that possible? I've never even met him. I know I like what he says to me, we discuss things that interest bost of us, we flirt in a humourous and gentle kind of way that I really like, he says all the right things, he seems to be practically perfect, apart from the distance between us. I know I fancy him like mad and I'd love to get my hands on him. And now I'm suddenly terrified. My old demon of insecurity returns and whispers "What if he doesn't like you as much as you like him when he sees you for real?" OK, he knows what I look like, I've told him I'm trying (not very successfully) to lose weight, and he doesn't seem to mind - so what's the problem? The problem is me, my insecurity, my lack of self-esteem, my history of being let down by men I like a lot.
Ah, but at least I have self awareness...

OK. Early New Year's Resolution - don't fuck this up. Go with the flow, see what happens. If he says he likes you, maybe he really does. I suppose I just need to enjoy it and stop thinking about it so much...

Thanks to the help of bj I have been able to publish my last posts. I really appreciate his help as it was out of the blue and showed someone was actually reading this nonsense and was interested enough to wonder why it had disappeared. So, thanks again bj.

Anyway. I have the dubious pleasure of announcing I am now 40. I had a great birthday with my good friends who made it both special and bearable, they've had to listen to my anxiety about my 40 status for long enough. I shall now put them out of their misery and try to be positive about this - after all, life is supposed to start now. About bloody time if you ask me.

Have been corresponding with a nice (and pleasantly hairy) man in London. We seem to have a lot of the same interests, but I think he's a bit more reserved than I am. I'm sure he's led a much more virtuous life. Very cute though. A face I could happily wake up with, maybe even on a regular basis. Scary or what? It's just an e-mail friendship at the moment, and I can't deny distance is a factor (do long distance relationships work? Sounds like an essay title. "Critically discuss...."), but he's nice, normal, apparently sane, hairy, cute, and that's quite a lot really.

I have also started an evening college course (2 nights per week), ultimately leading to a degree in counselling. I can achieve Diploma status in two years but continue for another two and get a degree. I 'm excited and fascinated by the course, it's a hell of a lot of work (and expense) but the possibilities are vast. The course requires that I enter therapy myself which might be enlightening and I confess to liking the idea, it's real 'me-time' and I don't get that very often.

I hope this publishes ok...fingers crossed...

Well Blogger seems reluctant to post my last entry. It's totally ridiculous and I'm sick of it now. Time for a new home for TJOBH?

Went to see Liz's 20 year old son do a bungee jump this afternoon. He did well, no hesitation, just jumped, and raised some money for local kids. Well done. I know I could not have done that, I'm a wimp when it comes to leaping into thin air. Even go a bit wobbly when I'm up a ladder...

The diet is going ok (mostly). Have lost a couple of llbs, but I slipped up a bit today and had a couple of beers with Liz while waiting for her son to jump off a platform attached to a piece of elastic. Have been eating fruit and vegatables which has been ok. I don't mind that but I hate the way I keep thinking about it all the time, it's just what I didn't want to happen.

*Blog not posting again.....six times I've tried now...will try again later if this doesn't post*

I've got to do it. I don't want to, but I've got to. I've got to lose some weight. I feel awful: tired, uncomfortable, self-conscious. The last straw was when I bought some clothes last weekend and had to take them back because they didn't fit. I'd got the size I thought I was, but nothing I bought fitted. And then we went for an Indian meal for God's sake!

OK, this is it. I'm going to do this. For me. But I don't want it to be obsessive, or boring, or have too much impact on my social life. Is that possible?

Went out with friends last night (Liz, Phil & Diane). Drinks in 'Pave' followed by an Indian meal, we'd already tried getting into the Mediterranean, Italian, Turkish and Greek restaurants (whose idea was it not to book a table on a Saturday night? Coulda been mine...) Turned out OK though :o)

Enrolled at College for the Foundation Degree In Counselling today - course starts on the 23rd. Really looking forward to it. Part of the course is to undergo therapy myself which I'm kind of looking forward to, I wonder what it will reveal?

Listening to:
'Round Round' by Sugarbabes (just got into my head...)
'Just A Little' by Liberty X

In a poppy mood today...

What to say about 9/11 ?

I live in England and I remember watching the twin towers of the WTC under attack on TV. I couldn't believe it, it didn't seem real, it was too sickening. I have harboured a strong desire to visit New York for many years and to see this was like seeing a friend assaulted in the most terrible way. I know I'm a long way from New York but I was moved by what I saw, I was shocked, horrified, disgusted, outraged.

I still feel that way.

I recently watched one of the many TV programmes about that day a year ago and I realised I felt the same way now as I did then. I watched footage of people jumping from the towers, knowing they would die, probably still alive as they fell. I cried and couldn't see anymore.

To any Americans who might read this: many Brits still stand by you, we might not directly share your grief but our thoughts and goodwill are with you. It's not much, but for myself it's all I can do.

And now there's talk of war and people wondering if we should do it. Look at those pictures of the WTC collapsing and you should know. We're not safe just because we live in England...next time it might be us.

This approaching birthday is starting to freak me out a bit. I think of it often, and still can't believe I'm going to be forty. I thought by now my life would be all sorted out: great job, a man who I loved and who felt the same way about me, a house and kids (ok, maybe not that last bit, substitute cats for kids). Nothing could be further from my current life. How bad is that?

I need some things to change. Badly. I need to re-connect with being gay, a straight friend told me I was the straightest gay guy he'd ever known (no, I don't know how many he's known) - I have to wonder if that is a good thing or not...? Another (straight) female friend said someone should write a soap/sitcom about us and call it "3 Straights With A Bend In The Middle" - I wonder which one I am... :o)

It's rained a lot today and is noticeably cooler, Autumn is almost here. This doesn't help my mood. I hate being cold.

A maudlin twat tonight.

Listening to "Brand New Lover" by Dead Or Alive.....
"What I really need to do
Is find myself a brand new lover,
Somebody with eyes for me
Who doesn't notice all the others..."

(bit naff but i like it)

* * I wonder if this will publish OK? * *

Had another frustrating Saturday night. Good company, I love my friends and we had a good time together but it drives me mad to see all these attractive, hairy armed, good looking, (apparently) straight men everywhere. I've gotten out of the habit of going to gay places, I've lost touch with the gay people I used to know but I know that I need to get out there and make some effort. Somehow I don't think the man I want will come knocking on my door. Unless he's delivering pizza...

Liz had a new man in tow last night, an old friend from when she was at College. He seemed nice enough, fairly quiet, attentive to Liz which was nice to see. He's visiting from Leeds. Liz tells me they're just friends. This morning when we all met for coffee she told me nothing had happened last night between them, I couldn't tell if she had wanted it to or not. I didn't have the chance to interrogate her fully. He seems to appreciate her more than Peter (who she seems to have been involved with forever and yet their relationship remains mysteriously undefined).

I wonder what the chances are of this being published first time...

Finally got last night's blog entry published - tonight!!